Settlement Clause
by hyacinthian
Summary: Ted thinks Barney and Robin have accidentally moved in together. BarneyRobin.


"I think," Ted whispers to them, conspiratorially, "that Barney and Robin have moved in together."

Lily gasps. "No!"

Marshall just lets out a forceful exhale, shifting his back rigidly up against the booth. Ted nods sagely.

"She's always gone at night because she and Barney are...doing things that I don't want to think about," Ted says, quickly, with a grimace, "but some of her stuff has disappeared." He smirks.

"Ted," Lily says, "You haven't been snooping around Robin's room without her knowing, have you?"

"No."

Lily and Marshall share a look before Marshall intones, in his best fatherly disapproval voice, "Ted."

"Okay, yes," Ted admits. "But only to see how much of her stuff has disappeared."

"And?"

"I think 40% of her closet is gone."

Marshall taps his fingers on the table rhythmically. "Ted, Ted, do you know what this means?"

Lily exhales, gripping the edge of the table. "Ted, this is _big_."

"I know."

"You know what this means?" Marshall says.

"What?"

He slides an arm around Lily and pulls her against him. "It's time for Marshall and Lily, PI."

Ted blinks. "I'm sorry, what?"

Marshall chuckles. "We can totally use that spy gear we got on sale at Walmart like a year ago!"

Barney and Robin arrive then, Barney's arm lying loosely around the small of Robin's back. They slide into the booth easily, familiarly. "Hey, guys, what's up?" Robin asks.

"Nothing!" Lily chirps, uncharacteristically high-pitched. "I mean, nothing, not...spy...no...I teach kindergarten."

Robin laughs. "I know that." To Marshall: "What's wrong with her?"

"She's just excited."

"Is Neiman Marcus having a sale?" Robin quips.

Lily gasps, clutching her handbag to her chest. "_Neiman Marcus is having a sale?_"

Marshall sets a hand lightly on her forearm. "Babe, _mortgage_."

Lily grumbles as she sits back down in her seat. Barney stands, offering to buy the first round. As he casually strolls toward the bar, Lily leans in. "So, what's up with you and Barney?"

"What do you mean?"

"Come on, Robin," Marshall says. "You watch Sex and the City. Ted's Charlotte, I'm Miranda, you're Carrie--"

"And I'm Samantha?" squeaks Lily.

"Okay, so maybe that analogy doesn't work 100%, but you get where I'm going."

"Nothing's going on with me and Barney," Robin replies as Barney arrives with the round of beers. They all raise their bottles in silent toast before drinking.

"Except lots of awesome sex," Barney adds.

Lily makes a face. Marshall presses on.

"Are you _sure_? You're positive that nothing life-changing has started to happen?"

"Yeah," Robin replies, sarcastically. "Barney and I have secretly moved to the suburbs of New Jersey and decided to have four kids and a minivan."

Barney snorts and they high-five.

-

The next week, when Lily has off for Columbus Day, she and Robin decide to make a day of it, grab lunch. As they wait for their food to show up, Lily makes an offhand comment about wanting to borrow Robin's gray cardigan. "Sure," Robin says, in between bites of lasagna. "We'll just swing by Barney's."

Lily, unsure, repeats, "Barney's?"

"Yeah," Robin says. "I left it there the other night. It's no big deal."

"You have a key?"

Robin scoffs. "No, but the doorman knows me."

Lily picks at her salad, doesn't say much else.

-

It kind of feels like walking around the Death Star. But she can see little knick-knacks here and there that she knows are Robins. Pictures of her with the four dogs she used to have, pictures of family. There's a colorful afghan on the back of Barney's sofa. Lily tiptoes, though, still. "I feel like I'm going to step somewhere and activate a floor tile that's going to start playing porn."

Robin laughs. "Lily, honestly, it's not that bad." She heads towards the bedroom, beckoning Lily to come with. "Come on."

"Barney's _bedroom_?"

And then Robin's hands are pulling her towards the door. "It's not going to kill you."

Lily mutters, "It might."

But it isn't _that _ bad. Lily doesn't feel like she needs a Hazmat suit or anything. The bed is made, rather tastefully, nothing like black silk sheets or shag carpeting. It's big, with large windows, a TV - it looks pretty normal. Robin flings open the closet door, rummaging through the various hangers to look for the cardigan. Lily does a mental calculation in her head, tries to figure out how much of Barney's closet is eaten up by Robin's clothing.

Robin shoves something hastily in her direction. "Here."

Lily, triumphant and satisfied with her mental math, says, "Can we go now?"

Robin smiles.

-

"Ted's right," Lily tells Marshall as they get ready for bed. "It was at least 40%. Plus, her _pictures _ are there."

"Oh," Marshall intones. "That is serious."

"Barney and Robin," Lily says. "Settling down."

Marshall snorts. "If they have kids, they're probably going to need therapy."

-

Barney's reading a book on world domination when Robin slips into bed. "They bought it, didn't they?"

Robin grins. "Ted is way too obvious."

"Who was he kidding with his, 'I have to find my scale model of Frank Lloyd Wright's bridges?'"

"No," Robin says, with a sigh, "He actually does have those."

Barney kisses the bare skin of her shoulder.

"Like we would ever settle down," he murmurs, slipping his arm around her waist.

She closes her eyes, leans back into him. "Yeah," she murmurs.

And in their sleep, they shift closer.


End file.
